Mailbag Day

This is a special section devoted to some of the funny, strange, perverted, etc, etc mail we get here at the David Bowie's Area Institute, along with a few quotes from my responses. No names or eddresses are included.

We get a lot of mail from younger websurfers. Here's my favorite:

I found your page by a link to your DBA page. I thought you were another girl. When I realized you were a boy I thought you were gay. But when I went to your home page, I realized as you said you're just sick and twisted.
Then when I saw your photo album, I decided I liked you because I thought you looked hot, but it is probably of little interest to you because I'm only 13 years old. any way I thought your page was o.k

People often send us questions, ocassionally even asking advice. We do what we can. Here's part of a letter from a woman who's e-mail address is shared with her husband:

Now everything is clear to me. That is, why I always feel His area's presense all around me all through the day and night. I am so happy to find out that I am not insane, that my condition of "obsession with Bowie's sex parts" has an explanation.
Does this mean I need no longer feel guilty when I have sex with my husband and I COULD SWEAR IT'S REALLY BOWIE even though he looks like my husband?! Is it possible for Bowie's area to actually be present on another man's body?!
If you are kind enough to answer my perverted but desperate questions, please add "TO: {name}" at the beginning so my husband (hopefully) might not be interested.

My response to that was strictly confidential, so no reprints here. But here's a different letter we received more recently:

Last night, I dreamt I was visited by David Bowie. He came to me, and we chatted, and it was the David Bowie that performed "Let's Dance," not one of these new-fangled David Bowies you get nowadays. He came up to me, and stared into my eyes, and then, as if forever destined to do so, bestowed upon me his area. Yes, David Bowie rubbed his groin along my leg. This continued until I awoke, filled with both awe and unease at this vision in the night.
What could this mean, besides the obvious, which it doesn't?
---Josh

We discussed this dream with the DBA Institute's massive psychology department and their conclusion is that you have an unusually strong and noble soul which has granted you a deeply spiritual connection to David Bowie's Area, and through it with the rest of the universe. You, Josh, are one of the few blessed humans who can connect with the very fabric of existence in such a way as to bring sweet inner peace and enlightenment to yourself and those around you.
Oh yeah, and that you are "intensely homosexual."

And now a few of the wonderfully witty things that you're missing out on by not e`mailing the DBA Institute!

Sure I get tons of letters telling me how funny it was and how great people think I am and how wonderful it is that I am willing to spend so much otherwise useful time on an enormous bastion of depravity and perversion that accomplishes nothing except displaying to the public just how much of a sick twisted reject I am-
...Did I have a point?

We like to maintain "David Bowie's Area" as the imposing but mysterious bulge in the tights. It transcends mere human physiology.

More importantly, though, I get more mail with the subject "Crotch!" than I did before, and isn't that the real truth?