Guest Week? 3: Eljay (my little older sister)

Okayokayokay. So, how was I supposed to know when you wanted your guest update by? You never told me when you'd do guest week, just that you were gonna do it "soon." As far as I'm concerned, "soon" means this year.

See, the problem is, by the time I was emotionally okay enough to tell you what was going on, I was past the best of the angst. Yeah, it still pops up every now and then, late at night, when I wake up and there's not someone beside me, but generally that's not a time when I'm going to jump up and write a screed on how miserable I am. I just cry instead.

It hasn't been a month yet. I do feel better. I know part of that is I'm substituting other obsessions for obsessing over him. I'm lifting weights. (Gonna be completely buff for this summer.) I'm working on a secret surprise present for my little brother. I'm going out with friends a lot. It's all good.

If I let myself wallow back down into the depths of my heartache, I could come up with a much more interesting FUN! for y'all. And five or ten years ago, I probably would have done just that. I'm older now. I don't know about wiser. But I've gone through this often enough that I don't really feel the need to dwell in my sorrow. I know what it feels like, the pain of rejection burns so deep in your soul, and it doesn't scar over. If you poke it, it still hurts. You can walk away from it. You can leave it at the side of your road. But no matter how far you go, if you turn around and look, you can still see every blasted little detail as clear as day. Smaller, maybe. But as you look, it looms closer, and it's hard to look away. I'd like to remember the good times in this last one. I loved him. He loved me. We had some really good times.

But remembering the good times makes it worse. Remembering the bad parts makes me angry and self-righteous, which is altogether easier to deal with. It was never so black and white, of course, but have you ever noticed that thinking about good memories leads to more good ones, and thinking about bad leads to more bad? So given the choice between curling into a little ball and sobbing and being pissed off and belligerent, I think I'll pick not thinking about him at all. But even then I can't help but know, in the back of my head, that that's the choice that would bug him the most. Bonus.